The above image (from what is being called the "Graphic" Gospel of William)
was recently rediscovered in the Art History Department's archives by
a young graduate student at Brown University in Rhode Island.
"It was just lying there, in a simple frame, under layers of dust," says
Maugust Docherty, who is currently undertaking his doctorate in "European
Art" at Brown's Graduate Program in Art and Architecture. "I was shocked
it see a graphic portrayal of what appears to be an heretofore unknown
part of Jesus' sermon to the disciples in the Garden of Gethsemane. And
to have found it represented graphically! The combination or words and
letters is an art form thought to have come into existence only in modern
times, but this shows that it must have been practiced as early as 10
or 20 BC! This will make my doctorate all by itself! I will never have
to TA again!"
But cancer specialists the world over are saying: "Nuts to you Maugust,
to your 'doctorate', and to your overly excitable personality as well.
What kind of name is Maugust anyway?". What is of utmost concern to these
pioneers of science is the potential miracle cure for cancer (no pun intended),
which this painting seems to suggest.
"Well, we look at it this way," says Dr Smith-Torrent, of the Memorial
Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center in New York City, "The story goes that Christ
gave his speech at Gethsemane, was captured by the Romans that night,
and was crucified shortly thereafter. He died, was buried, and rose from
the dead three days later."
"Now this rising-from-the-dead thing is really the key factor here, as
far as we see it. We have dealt with several cases of halo-cancer over
the years, and although it is rare, we know enough to be able to recognize
that Jesus, in this picture, is showing clear signs of having reached
its terminal stages. Even in modern times, under the best medical conditions,
we would only expect him to stay alive one, maybe two days, tops, given
the large amount of haloage he is showing here."
"And yet, the historical record shows that he dies two days after this,
and rises a full 3 days after that, at which point he was lucid, could
walk around with no difficulty, and was communicating with others in an
intelligible fashion. Based on what we know now, this simply should not
have been possible. Previous research in this field has proven that the
halo-cancer would have overtaken and shut down his entire system days
before that, likely while he was still on the cross."
"What we can surmise from all of this is that must have been some unknown
factor which caused Jesus' cancer to go into sudden remission. And, given
the evidence at hand, we have hypothesized that this unknown factor was,
in fact, crucifixion."
"At this very moment, back in the lab, we have 100 white rats nailed up
to tiny crosses, head glowing furiously, all in the terminal stages of
halo cancer. If everything goes as planned, we should find out in about
3 to 4 days if any of the rats do in fact, rise from the dead to begin
to squeak and eat cheese again."
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