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The above
image was found behind a bookshelf in the Oxford University library. An
excellent example of Elizabethan portraiture, it shows the members of
a student club devoted to following in the footsteps of Cristobal "Columbus"
Colon. Such clubs were popular in those times, as they allowed university
students (often looked down upon for pursuing further schooling rather
than going off "on exploration") to put on an air of danger
and adventure, something that was difficult to come by in those hallowed,
dusty halls.
After much painful research, we managed to track down the further adventures
of these would-be "Masters of the World". Some did indeed go
on to contribute to the discovery and colonization of the New World (much
to the distress of those who were there already), while most of the others
were involved in one or another of the major historical goings-on of the
time:
Jim "Beardo" McFee: After graduating (with
a major in navigation and a minor in pillaging), Jim went on to conquer
a small province of Mexico, claiming it for his native Scotland. After
being removed from power by the neighboring Spanish Conquistador, Jim
died of dysentery in a small hut, all alone.
Richard "Two Guns" Thatcher: Richard dropped
out of University soon after this portrait was commissioned, and mounted
an ill-informed voyage in search of the Northwest Passage. 6 years later,
his ship was found run-aground on a small glaciered island off the coast
of Sweden, the entire crew huddled below decks, dead from a combination
of bitter cold and bitter hunger. Richard, however, was found comfortably
dead in his cabin, apparently having already died of dysentery at the
time of the wreck.
William "Billiam" Davidson: After graduation
(no record remains of William's major, but he also appears in the club
portrait for the Amateur Cartographer's Club) William went off to fight
in the Anglo-Scottish Wars, on the side of King Henry the 8th. While on
the way north from Oxford, William became lost and somehow ended up in
Wales, where he died of dysentery a few years later.
Esteban "Call Me Steve" De Troy: After graduating
top of his class in falconry and equestrianism, Esteban had a change of
heart and returned to his native Spain, where he joined the navy (or "armada"
as it was known at the time). He took part in the infamous invasion of
England, and was one of the few sailors to wash up on the shores of Ireland
alive. He survived just long enough to father a small, raven-haired girl,
before succumbing to the local cuisine, a victim of Irish Dysentery (also
know as the "potato shits").
Harry "No Chin" Williams: Harry also left University
early, after suddenly inheriting a great fortune at the passing of his
grandfather. A fierce supporter of the avant-garde in the surgical arts
of the times, most of Harry's fortune went to physickers and chirugeons
of the cosmetic variety. After ingesting a potion design to promote bone
growth in the facial-mastoid area, Harry grew sick, became bedridden,
and eventually died of dysentery.
Edward "Back Door" Rogers: After graduating
with high marks in dueling (with both sword and pistol), killing (with
a special studies seminar in genocide as a religious duty), and theater,
Edward went on to work as a mercenary for Spain in Mexico. He eventually
conquered a large province and triumphantly returned to Spain, laden with
a fortune in gold and slaves. Despite this initial good luck, he later
was caught in a compromising position with a young novitiate of the Dominican
Order and was imprisoned and tortured by the Inquisition. Before he could
be burned alive at the stake as a sodomite, he died of dysentery in his
cell.
John "No Nickname" Smith: After graduating
with a degree in linguistics (or polyglot, as it was known at time), John
joined an expedition planning to head eastwards from Japan. The only survivor
of his ship's crew after a terrible storm, he was fortunate enough to
wash up on a small, unknown island in the South Pacific where he was worshipped
as a god by the natives. At the age of 95, surrounded by hundreds of children,
grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, John died peacefully of dysentery
in his sleep. His diary was found many years later, having been copied
out as a religious exercise by each successive generation of island natives.
José "Eduardo" Silva (not pictured):
Jose was Portuguese, and not much is known about his life after graduation.
From letters found in the effects of the late Harry "No Chin"
Williams, we learned that Jose returned to Portugal, married a local girl,
and became a fisherman. He died tragically, when a few years later (shortly
before Harry's own death) he choked on a fish bone during dinner.
We're
trying something new this week, ladies and gentlemen. Rather than just
continuing to pat ourselves on the collective back, we've decided to make
an attempt at injecting even more humour into the already bloated corpse
that is this site. And not only humor, but a little historical research
as well!
Seeing as this is art we are displaying here, we thought it best to give
you a peak into the world behind the picture, so to speak. After all,
how else can we expect you to engage in a dialogue with the art,
if you are unaware of the context in which it was created?
With
best regards,
Ian "Reclus"
Reclusado
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